From ‘Who Is An Addict?’, chapter 1, NABT:

“Higher mental and emotional functions, such as conscience and the ability to love, were sharply affected by our use of drugs. Living skills were reduced to the animal level. Our spirit was broken. The capacity to feel human was lost. This seems extreme, but many of us have been in this state of mind.”

From ‘Recovery and Relapse’, chapter 7, NABT:

“We are never forced into relapse. We are given a choice. Relapse is never an accident. Relapse is a sign we have a reservation in our program…”

“…Unless the illusions that we can continue to use or stop using on our own are shattered, we most certainly sign our own death warrant.

“For some reason, not taking care of our personal affairs lowers our self-esteem and establishes a pattern that repeats itself in all areas of our lives.”

From ‘Recovery and Relapse’, chapter 7, NABT:

“We take the First Step. We admit that we are powerless over our addiction, that our lives have become unmanageable. Slowly things get better, and we start getting our confidence back. Our ego tells us that we can do it on our own. Things are getting better, and we think we really don’t need this program. Cockiness is a red light indicator. The loneliness and paranoia will come back. We find out that we can’t do it on our own and things get worse. We really take the First Step, this time internally. There will be times, however, when we really feel like using. We want to run, and we feel lousy. We need to be reminded of where we came from and that it will be worse this time. This is when we need the program the most. We realize we must do something.

“When we forget the effort and the work that it took us to get a period of freedom in our lives, a lack of gratitude sinks in, and self-destruction begins again. Unless action is taken immediately, we run the risk of a relapse that threatens our very existence. Keeping our illusion of reality, rather than using the tools of the program, will return us to isolation. Loneliness will kill us inside and the drugs that almost always come next may do the job completely. The symptoms and the feelings that we experienced at the end of our using will come back even stronger than before. This impact is sure to destroy us if we don’t surrender ourselves to the N.A. Program.”

From ‘More Will Be Revealed’, chapter 10, NABT:

“We grow through pain in recovery and often find that such a crisis is a gift, an opportunity to experience growth by living clean. Before recovery, we were unable to even conceive of the thought that problems brought gifts. This gift may be finding strength within ourselves or regaining the feelings of self-respect that we had lost.”

Imagine you are in a deep dark room, far, far underground. The smell of body odor, stale beer, urine and cigarettes is all around, but you see nothing, or perhaps only dim shapes. Notice how the sense that time has frozen? Notice how space feels like treacle, moving slowly around you?

You hear nothing but a persistent buzzing in your ears, a buzzing that cuts right through your body and makes it hard to hear the sluggish thud of your heart. You are sitting or lying down and unable to move - every movement is heavy and slow. All is still.

You take a shallow, painful, heavy breath. You let yourself go limp.

This is active addiction.

Now, you will want to move your point of view towards your feet. Let your vision flow slowly downwards to a few objects on the ground. They emerge out of the shadow like a face coming out of blue water. One by one you note them.

Notice three objects. These are your play things. These are the tools you used with, the way you used, the magical objects that took you to this dark deep place to begin with. They may be spoons or pipes, bottles or paper money. They are whatever you used to use with and by.

Around them and you is a border marked in small smooth white stones. And as you look at these objects of using, these playthings, the smooth white stones begin to emit a faint gleam.

Your attention moves from the objects of active addiction to the gleam of these stones. It is faint but entrancing. And as you examine this gleam, it brightens and become luminously gleaming bright. And you see more clearly outside the white stone circle.

Outside the circle, you see people. They do not notice you; you are in a different place to them now. They are the people you used with or around; they are your playmates. As you observe them, they do what they do when you are using. Maybe they yell and scream, or break things, or fight, or use drugs, or have sex. You watch and let them do what they do, without your involvement of any kind. 

Then notice as your playmates do their thing, they begin to slow. Golden-brown treacle descends around them like a curtain, and they become frozen in time and space. They fall still. And beyond them you see a row of gleaming smooth white stones light up.

Slowly, slowly, a second circle of small smooth white stones becomes clear. They begin to gleam and shimmer. They are brighter than the first circle, and just as entrancing. Your attention is captivated by them. They are so sweet and clean and bright. They gleam brilliantly now, and you become aware of a new set of shapes and forms beyond them.

And you see places you used in. It may be that living room full of bottles of stale urine, or that boarding house room where you detoxed, or that park where you slept. It may be your workplace toilet cubicle where you shot up in, or that nightclub where you fell unconscious at. It may be a city street in day or night. It may be your dealer’s house, or parent’s house, or stranger’s house. And as you see the play-places where you used, as you notice the place you came from, and feel the feelings this inspires in you, become aware of one final circle, beyond the things, people and places you used in and over.

Beyond the play-places you see the largest third white circle even more brilliant and gleaming than the last two. And it is empty except for a clean, polished, gleaming white elevator door.

Now, from your inner circle, looking out over your using tools, your using associates, and your using places, you can see the way out. To reach it you must walk through the three circles.

Taking a stone from the first circle, leave behind your using playthings. Leave behind the glass, the pipe, the needle, all the other tools. Feel the smooth white stone vibrate like a living thing in your hands as you step out into the second circle.

Walk past the frozen past playmates and pick up a second white stone. It is warm to the touch, isn’t it? They cannot touch you now, and you can see the way clear as you step into the third circle.

Find yourself in the circle of past places, and locate the third white stone circle within it. Pick up the third stone and walk free into the now brilliantly lit up elevator.

Notice the twelve buttons on the elevator? You may try to press the buttons from 2 to 12 but the elevator but it will not respond. Instead, press the first button. Instantly the doors swish shut and you begin to rise.

Rising speedily out of darkness, now, feeling the three warm rocks vibrating in your arms, you can begin to feel hopeful, even positive about things to come. You have escaped from the hell of active addiction, from the people, places and things that held you enslaved, and now you are on your way out.

Begin to imagine for yourself now a luxurious hotel lobby, set up just for you. Begin to imagine that the elevator doors are in a moment opening on this abundant and beautiful scene. Using your complete creative freedom, begin to imagine the doors opening on a scene of polish, light, water, fragrence, music, beauty, sweetness and light.

Remember to step out at once. You are on ground floor.

As you wonder and admire the beauty around you, begin to look for a specific object on the tables. Or maybe it is beside the golden fountains. Or perhaps it is kept safe for you at the concierge’s desk. Or perhaps someone dear is holding it for you.

Look hard for the object you seek. It is blue and square. It can save your life if you let it. And then, when you notice it, let your heart leap with hope and find yourself right up next to it.

It is the NABT, the Narcotics Anonymous Basic Text. Place the first white stone on it, now, and feel your desire to get clean wake up inside you. You want this. You want to live clean and happy. Pick up the book at take it with you.

Now, begin to see your sponsor or support person or sharing partner enjoying themselves in the lobby, talking and laughing with others as they always are. Approach them and notice the look of love and joy in their eyes as they see you coming. They are so glad you made it here!

Walk straight up to them, and speaking from the heart or saying nothing at all, give them the second smooth white gleaming stone. And as you give it to them, feel your desire to connect with another, your longing for laughter, meaning, attention, love, energy, and aliveness, feel all that long-lost humanity wake up inside you. They hug you and with words or without words, lead you gently away from the crowd of happy people. You and them walk together, glad and peaceful, across the lobby to an empty conference room.

The room is ordinary, even simple. But your sponsor instructs you to place your stones in the center of the room, and you do, and immediately you feel lighter.

Then your sponsor asks you to help put out chairs in a circle, and set up a table. Your sponsor puts up banners on the side of the room of the 12 Steps and 12 Traditions. Your sponsor produces a kettle and puts on coffee and tea for you and the others, and then you look around and see that the room is filling up with happy, healthy, smilling people.

Notice how clear and bright their eyes are. Notice how pink their cheeks are from laughing recently. These are your fellowship.

And as you look at these handsome people, so happy and peaceful, and feel a part of them, begin to notice the desire to be happy and peaceful too. Notice that desire waking up in you, and feel it so keenly that you cannot help but want to join them and sit with them, and feel welcomed by them and accepted completely. 

Feel free to sit in the circle. Your sponsor brings you a cup of warm beverage, just how you like it, and you sit and listen to the others speak. And what you hear touches you. Because, no matter THEY say, the message YOU hear from them is something like this:

Welcome to the fellowship of Narcotics Anonymous!

You are in the right place to recover, at the right time to recover, with the right people to recover!

All you need, all you need right now, in order to recover is a desire to do so. And you have that desire.

You are safe, and all is well. All is well, and so long as you keep coming back to this place in yourself of desire to be well and the happiness of being with others, all will be well.

You are very precious to us. Welcome!

You hear and feel and see these words inside yourself, and you return to an even fuller wakefulness than before with the lovely feeling of desire inside your stomach, feeling grounded and peaceful and ready for more.

In whatever way you return to wakefulness, now, allow yourself to.

Thank you and God bless!

There’s good news and there’s bad news. The good news is that if you want a spiritual awakening through the 12 Steps, there’s nothing anybody can do to stop you from taking the actions that the steps indicate. The bad news is that you are unlikely to take the actions without the support of at least one other person.

Many sponsors and many sponsees slow the awakening down. Many recovering people say that the steps become a way of life, which can be an excuse to stop any awakening dead in its tracks.

There are many ways of slowing down or stopping the step work. Many people slow down when they are acting out in another area and aren’t willing to talk about it yet. Many people slow down because they are in emotional pain and imagine they need time to “process” it. What they need, generally speaking, is step work to resolve it.

The common places people stop step work altogether are at step three (by not making a decision to turn the will and life over - that is, unwillingness), at step four (by not being willing to see things in a new way - aka close-mindedness) and at step nine (by not being willing to consider setting straight their problems with other humans - a basic dishonesty considering the harm we have done others and self).

Commonly in step workshops the audience will decrease in size after Steps 3, 4, and 9, and this is considered by presenters a sign that things are working. The failure of willingness at step 9, open-mindedness and step 4, and honesty and courage at step 3 is palpable and fairly universal with step work. I believe by letting people know up front about the obstacles, they can take responsibility for their own recovery and determine to be different.

A sponsor can overcome all these problems, usually with ease. Having been through the process, we can often explain things in a new way and make sense of them. The trick is putting yourself in their way so they know when you need help. Some suggestions that have helped:

- Get into the habit of ringing your sponsor when things are okay.

- Get into the habit of ringing your sponsor when things are bag or in crisis.

- Get into the habit of ringing others, not just your sponsor, who have worked all twelve steps and are happy.

If you are known you can be helped. It’s that simple.

I said before that nobody can stop you from taking the actions of the steps. No-one can stop you from an awakening of the spirit. No-one can stop you from getting inspired. But you can stop yourself, easily: you only to avoid the actions of the twelve steps. You can avoid the actions of the steps this by feeling an emotional process, thinking about theories, or keeping up appearances of pride and prestige. Or you can take the damn actions and get free.

What is the action of the first step?

The actions of step one are two-fold. The first action of step one is: stop the addictive pattern. Stop drinking, drugging, sexing, gossiping, gambling. Whatever your addiction is, stop.

The second action of step one is the awakening action. The second act of step one is to walk in pain. Share it, talk about it, feel it. Live in it. Move through it. Let go into it.

Pain is not suffering. It will not kill you. And the pain of step one is the first sign of awakening. It is a sign you are alive. It is the body and emotion beginning to wake up. It must be experienced out in step one. Experiencing the inevitable pain of existence is the exact action of step one.

Step one can be so hard for many people to take a second time after they have relapsed. It is easy to suffer pain when you are told that you will experience inspiration and joy and wholeness and connection at the end of the process. But if you have taken the action of step one, suffering pain for weeks or sometimes even years, and not had a spiritual awakening, it is more difficult to believe you can get freedom the second time you take step one.

The opposite experience is also true: it will be discovered that by embracing a new experience of step one, you can find incredible growth, joy and freedom in all areas of life. For example, if I have worked the steps on drug addiction and got free of that, I can decide to work the steps on food and fitness. I can accept the pain of healthy food, the craving for junk food, and the pain of exercise and new habits, and by embracing that pain I can have a new experience of step one. Any time I want rapid and dynamic growth and change in my life, I must become aware of and willing to experience the pain of a new step one experience.

To summarize then:

- The actions of step one are two-fold: to stop using, and to start facing the pain of living clean.

- The actions of step one becomes easier to complete when we learn about the goal - the inspiration, joy, and awakening of step twelve.

- The actions of step one become easier when we accept the obstacles to the goal. The obstacles are:

1, the unwillingness to take step three,

2. the close-mindedness to take step four, and

3. the dishonesty and lack of courage to take step nine.

- The actions of the 12 steps are unlikely to be taken unless you have someone to support and encourage you.

- By accepting responsibility for the goal and by acknowledging these obstacles, you are empowered to fully surrender to the program of recovery.

Contemplation:

- from contemplati, orginally “to mark out a space for observation”.

- “com”, within, “templum”, area for observation.

Definitions of contemplation:

- A long and thoughtful observation.

- A calm, lengthy, intent consideration.

By working Step One we are beginning to wake up. We wake up physically by stopping using drugs, people and addictive processes. We wake up emotionally by feeling pain and sharing it. We wake up to our unmanageability by talking about our mental suffering.

Now, none of these awakenings sound very inviting, does it?

Can anyone be blamed that they do not continue on to Step Two, when being awake means having to experience life without numbing substances and habits, with emotional pain, and with mental suffering?

I do not blame them; I simply offer the way free.

The way free is spiritual in nature. To say the 12 Steps have a spiritual aspect is like saying the ocean has a wet bit. Spiritual means inspiring, whole, functional, dynamic and creative. Spiritual means being awake! 

So the solution to the mental, emotional, and physical rude awakenings of Step One must be spiritual in nature. You must figure out a way to become inspired, in-spirit, if you are to keep a dynamic living experience of Step One. If you cannot open to inspiration, you cannot keep nor pass on Step One to another.

Inspiration cannot be faked, but it can be taught. Nothing will change your brain more than becoming inspired and grateful. It is said that a grateful addict never busts but very rarely reported how to get and stay grateful and inspired. This exercise reveals the source of inspiration and gratitude.

This source is reliable and stable. It never changes. It never goes away. It is always present, all around you. This source of inspiration is not outside you, either; it is to be found in you, and it is just waiting for you to say the word and be willing to take the actions that result, in order to experience inspired living.

The beautiful man who began Narcotics Anonymous Jimmy Kinnon said the words and took the actions of inspiration each day. Many elders and wise people say and do them every day. Many of our sponsors and sages say and do them.

Because the Narcotics Anonymous Basic Text (NABT) so far has lacked a chapter on twelfth step work, these words have been largely lost to the Narcotics Anonymous community of practice. But they are essential, they are crucial, they are irreplaceable to being able to live free of addiction!

I will give the simple version first. Here it is:

God, please send me someone to help today.

The exercise is: say the words and pay attention, then, when the opportunity comes, act.

For example. Today I went out with a map of the city, with the intention that I would like to explore some new part of my home city if I had the time. I didn’t have the time, but I did find a girl who was lost and needed a map today. She was too anxious at being lost to read it herself, so I read the map and gave her directions.

Now, the day that unfolded after that was just great. Coincidence? 

Helping changes your brain. Helping gives pleasure. Helping benefits the helper, the helped, and any witness to the act of helping. Helping connects you to your own inner source of Power.

Let’s look at some other versions of this exercise. I mentioned Jimmy Kinnon before. Here is his version:

God, please send me someone who really wants this program, even just for a few hours.

 Another wise elder said: God, please let your love flow through me and into the lives of others.

I like to say, God help me carry your holy message in all my thoughts, acts and relationships today.

But my favorite remains from James R because it is so straight and simple:

God, please send me someone to help today.

If you try this, I promise you that you will find relief from your mental, emotional and physical distress. When nothing else will work to change the brain from its self-destructive tendencies, helping will always release creative power.

This exercise has only one downside: helping others can be addictive. The Source of the joy and pleasure is within your spirit, not in the people you help. 

Because we are born to care for one another, because we are social animals, because the isolation of addiction is so bitter, this prayer is the most direct, powerful and sophisticated way to change the human brain.

Unmanageability is a tool. Through the work there are various points to which we return. Our condition of unmanageability is one of those points.

It doesn’t matter what you call unmanageability. Buddha called it dukkha. If you say it out loud - “CA CA” - you will hear what he’s talking about crap. Jesus called it “missing the mark”. We translate the word as “sin” but it means more ignorance than anything else. Krishna and Socrates both simply call it ignorance. It doesn’t matter what you call it; what matters is how you respond creatively to it in your living actions.

Things don’t happen TO you; they happen FOR you.

The payoff of being a victim is you get to feel resentment; the payoff of being grateful is you get to grow.

And we grow through unmanageability, by unmanageability, in unmanageability.

That is a promise.